


Beneath the black armbands there is pain

by Levixyanage



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic, Andreil - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, M/M, Nightmare, Self Harm, and for Neil, god I'm so sorry for Andrew, the self harm is pretty graphic so be careful, there is also a rape scene, this is so messed up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 13:30:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11231997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Levixyanage/pseuds/Levixyanage
Summary: Neil has a nightmare. He thinks he is able to cope with this but apparently he is not...





	Beneath the black armbands there is pain

Everyone who knew Neil Josten well enough was aware of the fact that he had nightmares. They usually varied from Nathan trying to cut his legs off, to Mary being burnt to ashes on a lonely beach, to Lola holding her dashboard lighter near his face.

Although he certainly didn't like having them, he had also gotten more or less used to it. During the past few months he had learnt not to move around too much or to make any noises after waking up from particularly bad ones. Andrew was sleeping next to him after all. He would just spend the hours he had to kill before everyone had to get up for their morning practice in watching how his 'not boyfriend' slept. He knew that sounded very creepy, it probably was but...it somehow grounded him, it made him forget about the horrors he had been forced to remember for a few minutes.

 

On some days his exhaustion and fear was more obvious than on others but until then he had at least always mustered up enough strength to get out of bed and carry on with his daily life.

 

that night was different though.

He had been stuck with a fever all day and had reluctantly decided to skip Kevin's night practice for once. He had told Andrew to go anyway though. That had been a very bad mistake...

He hadn't been asleep for more than twenty minutes when the nightmare struck him 

He was in an unknown room. In front of him there was a very young version of Andrew. He was huggung his knees while rocking back and forth on his bed. Neil got closer and realised that the poor kid was trembling. He tried to touch his head in order to reassure him but as soon as he got closer to him, Andrew violently jerked back and started to sob quietly

"don't touch me!" he said. Fear evident in his tone

Neil wanted to tell him that he didn't mean to do him any harm but what slipped out of his lips was something that made his blood turn into ice " say please and I'll stop".

He then moved even closer to the poor child though not on his own volition: he had lost control over his actions. He started to undo his belt,then he proceeded with pinning little Andrew aganist the wall. He was resisting with full force while screaming "please please please please please please" like some sort of mantra. Neil wanted this to stop. He was begging his body to just turn around and leave Andrew alone. Of course that didn't happen. He pulled his already hard cock from his pants and plunged into Andrew's ass with a ferocity not even the butcher of Baltimore had. There was a lot of blood and a few cries involved, then at some point Andrew passed out. Neil wasn't sure how he was going to live with himself after having done this- after having done this to Andrew... he wanted to die!

 

Neil woke up abruptly. He reached out a hand for any sign of Andrew. He didn't care if that would have earned him a punch in his face, he needed to know that Andrew was alive and well , and more importantly that he hadn't done anything to him. The only problem was that Andrew wasn't there. He was still with Kevin but either due to his still lingering fever or the desperate state his mind was in he just didn't remember.

He actually thought that Andrew was dead.

 

He jumped out of bed and went straight to the bathroom. His thoughts were all concentrated on one thing: "where are the razor blades? I can't live without him, I have to die for what I did to him'

 

When he found the item he was looking for he immediately started to cut precise vertical lines on his wrists. It hurt like hell but he didn't care anymore. He continued to cut until the world around him went black

 

-meanwhile-

 

"Kevin, are you finally done?"

 

"Not yet Andrew, gosh it's only 2 AM!"

 

" well if you say so... just you know that I'm going back now, if you wanna stay here you're gonna have to walk back to fox tower on your own. I heard there are spooky ghosts here at night".

 

" ok, ok, I'm coming, Jesus Andrew, Josten just caught a little virus you shouldn't worry so much" 

 

" I don't worry about anything princess".

 

" yeah right..." and with that the Minyard-Day conversation of the day ended as soon as it started.

 

They were already in the Maserati when Andrew got a call from Nicky. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hear his flippant cousin at 2 AM but maybe he had something to say about Neil so in the end he anwsered.

 

"Nicky I swear to god if you just called me to bitch 'bout one of your teenage crushes dumping you-."  
he stopped speaking as soon as he heard a sob from the other end of the line

" Andrew, I-I really wish it was b-but it's N-Neil he-he"

" I'll be right there"

"Andrew wait-" but it was too late, he had already hung up.

Still, Andrew didn't worry too much about it thinking that his idiot had somehow passed out on the floor or something ( from the fever of course).

So when he saw Nicky covered in blood trying to stop the bleeding in Neil's wrists his world came to an abrupt halt.

It couldn't be. Neil would never do that, Neil wasn't the type of person to do that. Until the day before he had been smiling like an idiot and now he was covered in his own blood. Gosh there was too much blood. Too much blood which belonged to the one decent person he had found in his life. This couldn't be happening to him. That guy had fought tooth and nail to survive just to kill himself? Impossible.

 

" I already called 911, t-they should be here in a few minutes" Nicky said

Andrew wasn't even listening anymore.

He pulled Neil out of Nicky's grasp and tried to do what his cousin had been doing. Of course it didn't really work like he wanted it to: whereas Andrew had cut enough for the broken skin to scar but not to actually endanger his life, Neil had straight up hit all the possible arteries a human had on his arm. Trying to put running water on the injuries would have only made it worse.

At some point he had to let go of Neil's limp body because the ambulance had arrived. They had wrapped his arms up with some bandages and set him on a stretcher.

In a matter of a few minutes he was already trailing behind the doctors with his car because the fuckers hadn't let him on the ambulance. Of course he had forgotten to take Nicky and Kevin ( who had instantly grabbed a bottle of vodka as soon as he saw the state his teammate was in) with him, but in his defense: they were kinda slow.

He managed to pass one obstacle after another (mostly angry nurses) until, after what seemed like an eternity he reached Neil's room. 

He was as lifeless as ever but he had regained a little bit of color thanks to a blood transfusion he was currently getting pumped into him and some other shit doctors put into people. His breathing hat evened out again and his wounds had been stitched and wrapped up in bandages again.

 

Andrew was sure of one thing though: as soon as his idiot would wake up he would kill him for making him feel so helpless. He also had to find out who had triggered that sort of violence in Neil. Whoever it was, he was dead even if it was someone as important to him as Aaron or Nicky.

 

Neil wasn't going to wake up anytime soon though so he settled for holding his hand and patiently waiting for his awakening  
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Neil woke up feeling like someone had stuffed cotton into his head. His vision was still blurry and his arms and legs felt really numb but he was lucid enough to tell that he wasn't in his room. He waited until his eyes started working properly again and then he started to search for any clues to find out where the hell he was. 

 

"Abram" Andrew said as soon as he felt Neil move

Neil immediately stared at him and he remembered everything: the fever, the nightmare, the razor, the pain etc...

 

As soon as he remembered he wished he didn't. How the hell was he going to explain to Andrew why he had done what the had done?

 

"Andrew I-" he started

" Who the fuck did this to you and why did you do it you stupid fucking junkie?" Andrew said

he looked furious, even more than when they had reunited back in Baltimore.

"I-I'm sorry, I had a nightmare and I was searching for you b-but you weren't there a-and I thought you were dead because of me and I just couldn't live with myself-"

" And that's why you slashed your wrists open? If you were having a bad day you could have asked me to stay, you could have called me for fucks sake, we have phones remember?" Andrew's tone was full of venom.

Neil just could't take it anymore, and the dam which held his tears finally broke.

To say Andrew was shocked was an understatement although he didn't actually show it. He had never seen Neil cry. Not at Gordon's funeral, not after the Nest, not even after Baltimore. Yet here he was, in a hospital room, sobbing uncontrollably because he thought he was dead? Whatever anger he had felt for the idiot was long gone now. All he wanted was to see him smile again. 

 

"yes or no?" he whispered

Neil lifted his head and looked at him like he had seen a ghost

" how the hell are you still willing to do this with me even after what I did to you Andrew, I raped you for fucks sake, I made you beg for mercy until you passed out and I still fucked you after that!?"

"Yes or no, Neil" Andrew asked again as if nothing had happened

"Andr-"

"YES OR NO?"

"...yes" 

Andrew lifted his eyes in search for something which could have indicated a no, when he found none he gently put his hand on the nape of his neck and pulled his face into his chest.

This wasn't a hug, they didn't hug. It was reassurance for both of them. They were alive, that was what mattered.

" That was a nightmare, you didn't do anything to me, and even if you tried I would't have let you. You know it better than me how much a yes or a no counts so fuck you for even thinking that you would be capable of doing such a thing to me"

Those words were enough to pull Neil out of his miserable state

 

"yes or no?" he asked again when Neil's trembling had stopped

 

"yes"

As soon as he heard the word he lifted his head from his chest and they were kissing. It felt exactly like when they had kissed back then before showering together because of Neil's injuries. 

they kept kissing fiercly until they heard a knock on the door. 

they detatched from one another, Andrew said " don't ever pull a stunt like that again" and went outside for a smoke while everyone else flooded the room with flowers and happiness ( besides Aaron who didn't really speak to Neil, although he had to admit that he had been very worried too).

**Author's Note:**

> sooooo this is my first fanfic (so I hope it isn't too crappy). Please let me know what you thought about it in the comments, it would mean the world to me!


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